and i was right about it all crashing down...

sunday evening i felt awful, id done the talk at encounter(11-14yr olds) in the morning, which i thought went really well and then in the afternoon id been out with the amazing miss macfie :) then i got to church and had loasda things playing on my mind, i sat on my own, cos no1 was really there my age, and i sat at the front still, and it was good, it gave me a time to listen and think, when the service finished all i wanted to do was cry but i didnt and got to elbow room. the worship started and the song "i can only imagine" was being sung, i sat down and was just thinking about everything, cos thats the song which i listened to when my nan died two years ago, so its a song pretty close to my heart, hannah come and said to me lets go outside, and i just completely broke, but i managed to calm myself down and stop crying and went back in to listen to the talk Mark was doing. the talk really hit a nerve for me, it was about holes we have in our heart which still need to be filled, and arguements came to my mind straight away because of things when i was younger. we were then watching a powerpoint and i could feel my eyes watering again, then everyone got up to sing and i stayed sitting and again i broke, this time i couldnt stop crying and just sat there crying and crying, i felt really drained after it, but i felt better after i had cried. i got home and just spoke to someone about something and really told him about why i hate arguments and really opened up to him about it.

yesterday at infinity Lyns did the talk, and it was all about guidence, there were a few things she said which i really felt were speaking out to me, about not rushing into things, and taking our time, and even if we chose the wrong door, we will still get to where God wants us to be.

but yeah - im still not feeling great but feel better now ive had a good cry and just been able to start speaking to people about how im feeling instead of holding it all in and not talking about it and letting it get me down even more.

it is a bit of a rollorcoaster....

thats how im feeling at the minute. i feel as though im at the top and waiting to drop before building back up and reaching the straight part again. i dont really know what brought it all on, i thought things were going alright. but recently ive felt kinda rubbish about things and its really impacted on my mood. but i hope it is just a phase and it will pass soon.

also want to say that i love both of these girls very much, and ive been a pretty crap friend to the both of them recently and said things i regret, but they both are very special and will always have a place in my heart. we have all been through so much together and they are both amazing, special and beautiful people, who are like my sisters aswell as my best friends xxx

the power of prayer....

i had prayer tonight at church, the service was all about community and i just felt God talking to me about college, so i went for prayer and the last few days ive been feeling really sensitive and not been sure why, although i can think of a few things, so i had prayer and i prayed. and the lady who prayed with me was chatting to me. and she said something and i thought to myself, wow, why do we worry.

she said to me....

the past is the past, there is nothing we can do to change it, so we may as well let it go and not let it beat us up.

the present is now

and who knows what the future will bring.

it just really made me think. cos i was thinking about the past and all thats happened and how often il beat myself up about different things that have happened when really, i may as well forget and move on because theres nothing i can do about it. so i should just use it as a learning point.

i went to elbow room after church, and i felt really down but was telling most people i was fine. but then i opened up to Joe, Hannah, Chris, Sim and Jonny. they were all really sweet and were comforting me with hugs. i had a well long chat with Joe about how im feeling and we were just chatting it through and it was really good to open up to him about things.

i just feel like curling up in a ball at the minute and crying. and i really duno why. ive felt like it for the past few days, but i know i just need to lift things up to God, not beat myself up, and trust in God.

so its what im gonna do....

this and that

sooo life at the mo as a whole is really good. my driving is coming along great, i love it so much :D and i cant wait until i can drive :D my theory test is very soon, wish me luck!! i really hope i pass it first time around :) and then once that is done, i can think about the practical! ive had 14lessons in the space ona month! woah im keen!! but its soooo much fun!!! im learning all my turns now, 4 more things to learn and briggsy has learnt all she needs to! yeaaaaah man!!

college....if you wanna know about that then chat to me about it, i cant be bothered to write it all up!

i saw the world trade centre film yesterday, i found it really moving, and just watching and knowing it really happened was extremely moving aswell...God bless all those who have been effected by that day.

well M'dears....hope your all well

loves and hugs for each and everyone of you

xxx